Saturday, February 21, 2009

It's Been a While...

It's been a while since I last blogged. I got out of the habit, as I did with many other things.

I hate school. I am sick of kids that don't listen. It is becoming a major chore to drag myself out of bed and go to school. This is the second year in a row I've had hellions, and I don't have a lot of patience left in me. I am losing my desire to even show up. This is especially true on Mondays.

Once I get there, I am usually okay. I go through the motions. I just don't really care anymore about impressing people. If I really got down to the truth, I don't even really care that much anymore if they don't want to learn. I just want to make it to 3 pm everyday and leave.

I don't bring home stuff anymore. I am rarely there past 4 anymore. I don't think anybody notices. Maybe I should have been doing this all along. I would probably be much less burned out.

I went to a conference. I had fun with my friends. The conference itself was not enjoyable. The entire time I was listening to this motivational speaker, I was thinking, "I don't WANT to do this and I have no intention of doing this." I just want to do enough to keep the powers that be off my back and get by.

I am not depressed. I know that feeling. I am just tired of playing teacher.

I hope I can manage until retirement.

At least it's Saturday.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

An Ode to Testing--Darned If I Do, Darned If I Don't...

We did middle of the year testing recently. There is stress to show improvement, as any teacher on the planet knows. I am not sure whether to be ecstatic or scared....my class scored in the 90s.

I guess I am having a crisis of conscience. I didn't prompt them during the test. I didn't answer questions or give them help when they asked for it during the test. I did, however, make sure that everything I remembered being on the test was covered in class. Maybe drilled would be a better word.

I don't conisder it cheating. Anything done PRIOR to giving out the test is fair game, in my try-not-to-analyze-it-too-much mind. The ethics police, as well as some other teachers--including some of you reading this--might have a different opinion.

I have done this for a while. The pressure was too great not to. Administration handed teachers technical manuals for their grades that CONTAINED specific material to be tested. How could we NOT teach it? To me, it would be pointless not to. Isn't that what we are more or less being told to do when we are given the material?

Yes, that probably is what we are being told to do...however, if someone ends up questioned, it won't be the administrators who gave us the books. The teachers will be the fall guys. Isn't that the way the world works? I have a feeling, "But THEY gave the book to use all year, day in and day out" would fall on deaf ears of those standing in judgement, as they would all be administrators, too.

I have really been thinking about this a lot. I have talked to other teachers who do the exact same thing I do. Some feel a little guilty for it, like me; others say who cares? My concern is for the kids. Yes, the good scores get me off the hook, but does the prep that I put them through that delivers those scores harm the kids? Do the scores become inflated and kids lose out on help because I taught them what they needed to know to do well on a test? Is that really learning? Is it really indicative of their ability?

I have had really bad test scores in the past. I have been told to "get the scores up." Suggestions included giving them practice tests, presenting items in the same manner in which they would be presented on the test, and offering rewards to kids who do well on the test. After a particularly low set of scores a few years back in my grade level, all the teachers in my grade spent six hours meeting with two administrators who HELD IN THEIR HANDS actual copies of the test booklets. They gave us "similar" examples for all the questions to use with our kids. I think "teach them what they need to know" was certainly implied. So, we did. We took those similar examples, taught them, saw test scores improve, and our lives become easier. I have done the same thing ever since. Luckily, they don't change the test items very often.

Maybe I am just feeling guilty, but every time I walk by an administrator, I expect to be told, "I need to see you in my office. You are going to get it for teaching the test." I would deny it, of course, but my poker face is no good. They could use the lights in face technique you see in the old movies and have me singing like a songbird.

I just want to make it to retirement with as little trouble and fuss as possible, draw my hard earned pension, and let the younger generation of teachers worry about the almighty test score.

In the event you don't hear from me again, just assume the testing police caught up with me, have thrown me into "teaching the test" jail, and thrown away the key.

I have a feeling I'll be in good company. But, say a prayer for all of us anyway.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

This Is My World, and Welcome to It

I met a colleague in the work room one day last week. It was about 5:15, and we were both still working. She said, "I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel." I said, "Oh, that's great." Then I discovered she just meant for that day.

She stood beside me and said, "You are a hard working woman. But I am not sure I want to do this for the rest of my lfe. No one told me it would be like this. No one said my best would never be enough. No one told me about the parents you deal with. No one told me about the hours AFTER school you have to put in. I have told my husband that I think I would rather do without some things and find a lower paying job than to do this for 20 more years."

She stood and looked at me, waiting for me to say it would get better. Sorry, I don't lie about it anymore. What I did tell her was "Some things will get easier as you gain experience in dealing with them....like parents. Some things never will, like the extra hours. If you want to be a good teacher, you have to go above and beyond. I would caution you, however, to find your balance early and stick to it. Don't take home bags of work every night and stay late every day. Find time for your husband and kids. This is what you do for MONEY...it's not your life."

How long had this lady been teaching? This is her first year. She got a late start. I would say she is in her early 40s, but this is her first year to teach. If I had as many ahead of me as she has ahead of her, I would beg for a rope and a very high tree limb.

I brought nothing home over Thanksgiving. I did type a newsletter, but that was it. And I left pretty much on time on Tuesday. I am sooooooooooooo sick of anything school related, I can't even describe it. It's not depression--it's just frustration with the status quo.

I think I would rather someone pistol whip me than make me go to school.

Now that's sad.

I met a mom at the curb on the last day before vacation and told her while she was sitting in her car that if her child chose to behave on Monday the way he had behaved that day he WOULD be in detention. I told her I was spending entirely too much time disciplining her child when I shoud be teaching. I also used the words "contrary" and "needs major attitutude improvement." This is the same one I made cry earlier in the year, so I don't think this helped the situation any. She was mad when she saw me walking to the car door. Her child is a major twerp and if she doesn't reign him in soon, I see orange jumpsuits in his future.

We have a field trip this week, too. A weekend in Beirut would be more fun.

I DEFINITELY need to retire. It is time to pass the torch.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I've Lost the Spark

Remember the song by Barry Manilow called "Trying to Get the Feeling Again?" Well, I sort of feel that way about teaching right now.

The thrill is gone. The light has burned out. I've lost the spark. How do I know this? Because I don't WANT to do anything teacher like anymore.

I still see that spark in younger teachers. God bless them. I remember that spark in me. I just don't have it anymore.

I went to my doctor for a med. check. He said I wasn't depressed, but disappointed. Yeah, I can believe that. Several things that were giving me hope have not panned out, and they all seemed to hit at once. He prescribed Xanax, with a word of caution to use only as needed. He gave me 30 to last two months. With the holidays, I might make it. But if I am at school, consider it very much needed, and I will be taking it. That's why refills were invented.

Stop reading here if you don't want to hear whining and self pity.

I am sick of being called by the wrong name. (My name ends with "s" and they leave it off.)
I am sick of getting up at 5:30.
I am sick of parents who talk amongst themselves instead of talking to me when there is a problem.
I am sick of walking on the treadmill but not losing weight.
I am sick of not eating what I want when I want.
I am sick of feeling guilty when I indulge and do eat what I want when I want.
I am sick of my life.

Yes, there are many good things. I have it much better than many people. I know this, and I offer prayers of Thanksgiving to the man upstairs. I am just not content with the status quo.

Maybe I should reread the Power of Now. It certainly worked wonders earlier in the summer. The lyrics of a Carly Simon song keep going through my head...."Don't know just what I wanted, but I know I wanted more..." And one by Don Henley..."What makes us throw off our contentment and beg for something more?"

Any answers? I think I'm ready to hear them. It's got to get better soon. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

Table for one? The Pity Party? That would be me.

Is it May yet?

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Why I Hate Halloween

I hate Halloween. I think kids look cute dressed up until they are about 3, then all bets are off.

I REALLY hate Halloween at school. Let's talk wild--a weekend in Beirut would be calm compared to a classroom full of costumed, sugar filled eight and nine year olds. And why do children act ten times worse when their parents are there for a Halloween party? And why do I feel like a hostess at a dinner party that lacks sparkling dinner conversation with which to entertain these adults who have invaded my classroom?

By noon, I had given up any idea of getting school work accomplished. From that point on, it was lunch and recess, the character parade, then a way tooooooooooo long party.

It was an Excedrin kind of day.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Just SHUT UP

I don't tell my students to shut up. I rarely raise my voice. They have to stop talking to hear me. I wish that was true for the teacher next door to me.

I have listened to her for four years. She needs to take some training in classroom control or invest in a chair and whip. Whatever it takes, she needs to get control of her class.

Yelling is what I hear from her most of the day. Sit down! I already told you to be quiet! I am going to start giving checkmarks if you don't get quiet! I am going to take away your recess if you don't sit down!

Well, start calling some moms and dads or sending home some ugly notes because the yelling ain't working and you are causing your next door neighbor major headaches and stress. I have to STOP my own class because of the distractions coming from her class.

I know my class is not perfect. I know they get loud at times. I know I raise my voice occasionally to get their attention. But my neighbor is giving teachers a bad name.

I would not want my child in her class. I love her dearly as a friend, but she has no control. I was so stressed out today that I walked into the hall and looked in her window to see what was going on. I was very close to walking in and saying "All of you better learn how to act because you won't be acting like this in my room next year. I will NOT stand for it."

I told my principal today that I was about to break. I didn't give specific reasons why, nor did she ask. But she told me to take a mental health day when I needed it and not worry about it. I cried. I hate it when I cry in front of people. At least I wasn't all out bawling--these were just tears. I am not sure what's wrong exactly, but I am teetering on the edge of the abyss, and I don't want to fall in. I've been there before and I don't want to go back. I am going in for a medicine check. Maybe my modern chemistry meds need to be updated even more.

It will get better. It will. I just have to knot my rope and hang on until it does. I also have to remember to dwell on the positive rather than the negative.

And the class next door just needs to SHUT UP ALREADY because they are not helping my already frazzled nerves.

Thank goodness it's Friday.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Monday, Monday

Is there a teacher on earth who really likes Mondays? If the truth was known, I bet the teachers hate them even more than the students. There's just something about Monday. When I get through it, I feel like I can make it the rest of the week.

It was, for the most part, an uneventful day. No major meltdowns. No angry moms. No memos from administrators requesting stupid things I didn't want to do. It was quite nice. Lunch was a little different. They started construction on a new kitchen today, so no hot lunches for a while. I bet there will be a race to the teachers' microwave everyday now. I'm spoiled--I am usually the only one on my team who uses it. I may have to start waiting in line.

We also had to enroll in a new health plan. It was done on line this year. I chose one and got my enrollment out of the way. No use waiting until the last minute.

The PTO fundraiser boxes of items "to be delivered" did arrive. As the PTO president brought them into my room she said, "I'm sure you're thrilled." Her mom was a teacher for 27 years and she definitely knows the score. Anyway, they are all over my room. Hopefully, they will all be picked up soon.

I'm tired. I'm tired of answering the same question over and over and over and over. I'm tired of tattletales. I'm tired of people who can't get along with anyone. I'm tired of never being caught up. I'm just tired of my school teacher's life.