I Don't Think It's Stalking

I am having a hard time letting go of the man of my dreams found through the online dating service. I tried hard to just let it be, and I reread passages from The Power of Now until I think I could quote them from heart. But, I just can't seem to cut the questions loose.

So, I decided to send an email to his personal email account, which I still have. (Hanging onto it for sentimental reasons) The strange thing was my computer would NOT let me send it. And I tried more than once in more than one way. Still, it would not leave my outbox.

Think the universe might be trying to tell me something? Yeah, me too, but I didn't listen. I sent an email through the online dating service. I basically just told him I was wondering about things and how his "issues" were going. I even ended it with "just wondering" and told him to take care.

I haven't heard anything from him, nor will I...ever. But I had to give it one last try, if that's what you would call it. I've done it, and I can do no more. It officially is what it it. (See The Power of Now for further information.)

Anyway, when I still wasn't ready to let go and accept what just simply is, I decided to do an internet search on him. I don't think you could call it stalking. Found the normal things--address, phone number, relatives, employment. Found him on Facebook, but it didn't tell me much. Then I tried My Space...JACKPOT!

It explained sooooooo much about things he said in person, on the phone, and via emails. I don't think he is a bad person. I just think he is a very unhappy person with a lot of responsibilities that he resents. I don't have a psychology degree, but I would bet my diagnosis is right. I would also say he is depressed. On that subject, I definitely know whereof I speak. He doesn't like small towns, he doesn't like his job, etc.

He had posted several pictures. One was of him when he was around 8. All I can say is we could of had adorable babies if I wasn't past menopause. He also had a picture posted from when he was in college. I think he is attractive now, but 20 years ago, he would have made me pant with lust.

Better to end it sooner than later. He did me a favor. If he's not happy, I don't want him. Thanks for all the cliches, folks. You can keep 'em coming. But they aren't helping. My head understands...my heart is having a little trouble.

The thing is in reading all those blog posts he had written, they sounded like I could have written them. Could I have made him happy? Could he have made me happy? Was it simply because of the timing? I looked at that My Space page a lot. I looked at those pictures a lot. I thought about him a lot. All I could think was "Why?" So many unanswered questions.

I am a good person. I am not beautiful, but I am not a beast, either. I am not skinny, and I need to shed some pounds. But there are many happily "coupled" people who are much larger than me. I am fun to be around. I have a great personality. I am gainfully employed. Why is it so hard to make connections I am so ready to make?

I am so glad I'm past all that and ready to move on.

If I say it enough, I will finally believe it. And Man Of My Dreams, if you happen to be reading this...I really do wish you well. I hope you find your bliss and what you are looking for. You deserve to be happy, so do what it takes to get there.

I wonder if you will ever think of me. You can bet you will cross my mind from time to time while I am picturing you living the life you want and looking so happy doing it.

Thanks for the memories...

A New Life

The man of my dreams that I met via the online dating service finally got in touch...long enough to say it wasn't going to work out. Such hopes, such dreams dashed in the course of a few seconds.

What is the old saying? When you fall off the horse, get right back on. Easier said than done, but I am sending out the signals again, trying to cast my net wider. Hope springs eternal.

He was such a good distraction from school...

Speaking of school, I brought home a bag full of work and left it in the backseat of my car. The thought of grading papers right now makes me ill.

I have really let things go this year, more so than I ever thought I would or even could. Some days I feel like I'm fumbling around like a rookie. I can't seem to find anything. And my desk........it looks like an atomic bomb hit it. I have thrown away center work (Reading First requires it) because I am covered up with more papers than I will ever get to grade. I have laid aside papers and "to do" chores that had no definite deadlines, which in the past I would have jumped right on.

I just don't care as much as I used to. I figure if they need them bad enough, they'll give me a shout. I used to live in fear of those shouts. Now, not so much.

I'm not depressed. Modern chemistry has taken care of that. Just disappointed and very tired. I had a girls' night out on Friday, then an all day scrapbook crop on Saturday. I fell asleep last night watching TV and woke up in the same postion with the TV still on at 5 AM. I took a three hour nap after church today, and I still think I could go to bed right now!!!

My anti-aging quest continues. I had my first micropeel on Thursday. If you like heat, you should definitely try micropeels out. My face felt like it was on FIRE. I am flaking like crazy. I have brown patches of dead skin which I was repeatedly told not to pick, but how can anyone NOT pick it? It's just hanging there, begging to be ripped off. Now, where I was unable to resist the urge, I have red spots. I bet putting on make up for school tomorrow will be lots of fun. I've been lathering up with moisturizer all weekend, so hopefully I'll see some improvement by tomorrow morning. (My fingers are crossed anyway.)

I don't like Sunday nights, but I really hate Monday mornings. For those about to embark on another week of educating our nation's youth, I salute you!

Five Weeks and Counting....

We just finished our fifth week of school. Hard to believe. I remember when it took FOREVER to get from one birthday to the next. Once, when I was around 14, I mentioned this to a youth leader at my church. He told me, "Just wait until you hit 21. You won't believe how fast time will go by then." Boy was he ever right.

My current count of students with ADHD is up to six. I am running out of room arrangements to accomodate their need to have their own spaces. I like to put desks in groups of six, and I have done so for years, but that does not appear to work with this particular group. The more kids I have to put into their "own space," the smaller my room becomes.

This class seems to be better behaved than my previous class. There are several who have the potential to be major pistols, but I am keeping them on a short leash. So far it's working, so cross your fingers. A parent wrote me the nicest email this week about how much she appreciated my structured class and high student expectations. I wrote her back to thank her for taking the time to email me. Parents always let you know when they don't like something, so it is always especially nice to hear compliments. I even keep a file of such notes and have done so for several years. Every once in a while when I am feeling overworked and under appreciated, I get out my "feel better file." It always does the trick, and reminds me that the way I spend my days does make a difference in many lives.

I have read The Power of Now two times, but I find that I have to constantly remind myself not to fall back into old habits, i.e. staying at school until 5 or 6 and then bringing a bag full of papers home to grade, worryiing about pleasing Reading First higher ups, agonizing over test scores, pondering the many students I have this year who need more than I will ever be able to give them. I am doing better with the stress level this year, and people have noticed. I just leave things undone that I would NEVER have left undone before. I have found, however, they get done eventually, and that no one worries nearly as much about things as I do. Life is too short to spend every moment being anything less than content. All we have is now, and I am trying very hard to live my life with that in mind.

On the personal front, I am planning another date with the man I met through the dating service. I think it is obvious we have an attraction, and I am looking forward to spending more time with him. As to whether or not it will lead to anything long term, I don't know. But I think the journey to find that out will be a pleasing one. I often wonder what my life would be like if I had made different choices about my career and living in a rural area. Then, the answer becomes clear--I wouldn't be who I am. As the line in the Woody Allen movie, Crimes and Misdemeanors, says "We are the sum total of our choices."

I REALLY Want a Life

I am back in the swing of things at school. Tomorrow is Friday and will end the first week with kids. So far, so good. I just try to take it one day at a time, per my new attitude.

I have gotten up and done the treadmill most mornings this week. I have to get up around 5 AM, which means bed around 9. Not exciting, but necessary, if I want to function in the classroom.

Along with my new attitude, I have signed up with two on-line dating services. I decided it was time to take a chance, and that seemed like an easy way to dip my toes in the dating pool without getting totally wet. Unfortunately, I don't appear to be having much luck.

I have sent icebreakers that never got a response. I ALWAYS respond when someone contacts me, even if it's just to say, "Sorry, I don't think this will work out. Good luck in your search." It is extremely disheartening to put yourself out there and have no one respond. One guy was corresponding on a regular basis, then boom, I have heard nothing all week. It's a shame, too. We really seemed to have a lot in common. He did not seem like the kind of guy who would drop me without an explanation, but then again, how much do I really know about him? For all I know he could be a 14 year old who posted a picture of his uncle and made his profile from complete lies.

I hate rejection, but who doesn't? I guess it just goes with the game. I thought I gave that particular game up in college. Dating is like a looking for a job --always wondering if you made a good impression and asking yourself things like: Did I say the right thing in my e-mail? Did I respond too soon? Should I have waited longer to send a reply? Did he get that a certain line was supposed to be a joke or did he take it seriously? I swear you could drive yourself crazy trying to figure it all out.

I'm not giving up though. I am still sending icebreakers. I also put out the word with friends that I am now willing to be "fixed up". I have always firmly been against this, but again, I think it's time to take the chance. One friend approached me today about someone she knew. I told her to start working on it, I was more than willing to try.

I am so much more than a teacher. Due to my choices, however, that's all most people see. I want to be good at my job, and I believe I am. But spending all my time on it has cost me a lot in the personal part of my life. I am so hoping it's not too late to fix it, or at least make it better. I feel like I am standing at a crossroad and just hoping destiny sends me in the direction I want and need.

Well, at least I am fretting about something other than school. Who would have ever believed that?!