This Is My World, and Welcome to It

I met a colleague in the work room one day last week. It was about 5:15, and we were both still working. She said, "I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel." I said, "Oh, that's great." Then I discovered she just meant for that day.

She stood beside me and said, "You are a hard working woman. But I am not sure I want to do this for the rest of my lfe. No one told me it would be like this. No one said my best would never be enough. No one told me about the parents you deal with. No one told me about the hours AFTER school you have to put in. I have told my husband that I think I would rather do without some things and find a lower paying job than to do this for 20 more years."

She stood and looked at me, waiting for me to say it would get better. Sorry, I don't lie about it anymore. What I did tell her was "Some things will get easier as you gain experience in dealing with them....like parents. Some things never will, like the extra hours. If you want to be a good teacher, you have to go above and beyond. I would caution you, however, to find your balance early and stick to it. Don't take home bags of work every night and stay late every day. Find time for your husband and kids. This is what you do for MONEY...it's not your life."

How long had this lady been teaching? This is her first year. She got a late start. I would say she is in her early 40s, but this is her first year to teach. If I had as many ahead of me as she has ahead of her, I would beg for a rope and a very high tree limb.

I brought nothing home over Thanksgiving. I did type a newsletter, but that was it. And I left pretty much on time on Tuesday. I am sooooooooooooo sick of anything school related, I can't even describe it. It's not depression--it's just frustration with the status quo.

I think I would rather someone pistol whip me than make me go to school.

Now that's sad.

I met a mom at the curb on the last day before vacation and told her while she was sitting in her car that if her child chose to behave on Monday the way he had behaved that day he WOULD be in detention. I told her I was spending entirely too much time disciplining her child when I shoud be teaching. I also used the words "contrary" and "needs major attitutude improvement." This is the same one I made cry earlier in the year, so I don't think this helped the situation any. She was mad when she saw me walking to the car door. Her child is a major twerp and if she doesn't reign him in soon, I see orange jumpsuits in his future.

We have a field trip this week, too. A weekend in Beirut would be more fun.

I DEFINITELY need to retire. It is time to pass the torch.

I've Lost the Spark

Remember the song by Barry Manilow called "Trying to Get the Feeling Again?" Well, I sort of feel that way about teaching right now.

The thrill is gone. The light has burned out. I've lost the spark. How do I know this? Because I don't WANT to do anything teacher like anymore.

I still see that spark in younger teachers. God bless them. I remember that spark in me. I just don't have it anymore.

I went to my doctor for a med. check. He said I wasn't depressed, but disappointed. Yeah, I can believe that. Several things that were giving me hope have not panned out, and they all seemed to hit at once. He prescribed Xanax, with a word of caution to use only as needed. He gave me 30 to last two months. With the holidays, I might make it. But if I am at school, consider it very much needed, and I will be taking it. That's why refills were invented.

Stop reading here if you don't want to hear whining and self pity.

I am sick of being called by the wrong name. (My name ends with "s" and they leave it off.)
I am sick of getting up at 5:30.
I am sick of parents who talk amongst themselves instead of talking to me when there is a problem.
I am sick of walking on the treadmill but not losing weight.
I am sick of not eating what I want when I want.
I am sick of feeling guilty when I indulge and do eat what I want when I want.
I am sick of my life.

Yes, there are many good things. I have it much better than many people. I know this, and I offer prayers of Thanksgiving to the man upstairs. I am just not content with the status quo.

Maybe I should reread the Power of Now. It certainly worked wonders earlier in the summer. The lyrics of a Carly Simon song keep going through my head...."Don't know just what I wanted, but I know I wanted more..." And one by Don Henley..."What makes us throw off our contentment and beg for something more?"

Any answers? I think I'm ready to hear them. It's got to get better soon. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

Table for one? The Pity Party? That would be me.

Is it May yet?

Why I Hate Halloween

I hate Halloween. I think kids look cute dressed up until they are about 3, then all bets are off.

I REALLY hate Halloween at school. Let's talk wild--a weekend in Beirut would be calm compared to a classroom full of costumed, sugar filled eight and nine year olds. And why do children act ten times worse when their parents are there for a Halloween party? And why do I feel like a hostess at a dinner party that lacks sparkling dinner conversation with which to entertain these adults who have invaded my classroom?

By noon, I had given up any idea of getting school work accomplished. From that point on, it was lunch and recess, the character parade, then a way tooooooooooo long party.

It was an Excedrin kind of day.