An Ode to Testing--Darned If I Do, Darned If I Don't...

We did middle of the year testing recently. There is stress to show improvement, as any teacher on the planet knows. I am not sure whether to be ecstatic or scared....my class scored in the 90s.

I guess I am having a crisis of conscience. I didn't prompt them during the test. I didn't answer questions or give them help when they asked for it during the test. I did, however, make sure that everything I remembered being on the test was covered in class. Maybe drilled would be a better word.

I don't conisder it cheating. Anything done PRIOR to giving out the test is fair game, in my try-not-to-analyze-it-too-much mind. The ethics police, as well as some other teachers--including some of you reading this--might have a different opinion.

I have done this for a while. The pressure was too great not to. Administration handed teachers technical manuals for their grades that CONTAINED specific material to be tested. How could we NOT teach it? To me, it would be pointless not to. Isn't that what we are more or less being told to do when we are given the material?

Yes, that probably is what we are being told to do...however, if someone ends up questioned, it won't be the administrators who gave us the books. The teachers will be the fall guys. Isn't that the way the world works? I have a feeling, "But THEY gave the book to use all year, day in and day out" would fall on deaf ears of those standing in judgement, as they would all be administrators, too.

I have really been thinking about this a lot. I have talked to other teachers who do the exact same thing I do. Some feel a little guilty for it, like me; others say who cares? My concern is for the kids. Yes, the good scores get me off the hook, but does the prep that I put them through that delivers those scores harm the kids? Do the scores become inflated and kids lose out on help because I taught them what they needed to know to do well on a test? Is that really learning? Is it really indicative of their ability?

I have had really bad test scores in the past. I have been told to "get the scores up." Suggestions included giving them practice tests, presenting items in the same manner in which they would be presented on the test, and offering rewards to kids who do well on the test. After a particularly low set of scores a few years back in my grade level, all the teachers in my grade spent six hours meeting with two administrators who HELD IN THEIR HANDS actual copies of the test booklets. They gave us "similar" examples for all the questions to use with our kids. I think "teach them what they need to know" was certainly implied. So, we did. We took those similar examples, taught them, saw test scores improve, and our lives become easier. I have done the same thing ever since. Luckily, they don't change the test items very often.

Maybe I am just feeling guilty, but every time I walk by an administrator, I expect to be told, "I need to see you in my office. You are going to get it for teaching the test." I would deny it, of course, but my poker face is no good. They could use the lights in face technique you see in the old movies and have me singing like a songbird.

I just want to make it to retirement with as little trouble and fuss as possible, draw my hard earned pension, and let the younger generation of teachers worry about the almighty test score.

In the event you don't hear from me again, just assume the testing police caught up with me, have thrown me into "teaching the test" jail, and thrown away the key.

I have a feeling I'll be in good company. But, say a prayer for all of us anyway.

This Is My World, and Welcome to It

I met a colleague in the work room one day last week. It was about 5:15, and we were both still working. She said, "I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel." I said, "Oh, that's great." Then I discovered she just meant for that day.

She stood beside me and said, "You are a hard working woman. But I am not sure I want to do this for the rest of my lfe. No one told me it would be like this. No one said my best would never be enough. No one told me about the parents you deal with. No one told me about the hours AFTER school you have to put in. I have told my husband that I think I would rather do without some things and find a lower paying job than to do this for 20 more years."

She stood and looked at me, waiting for me to say it would get better. Sorry, I don't lie about it anymore. What I did tell her was "Some things will get easier as you gain experience in dealing with them....like parents. Some things never will, like the extra hours. If you want to be a good teacher, you have to go above and beyond. I would caution you, however, to find your balance early and stick to it. Don't take home bags of work every night and stay late every day. Find time for your husband and kids. This is what you do for MONEY...it's not your life."

How long had this lady been teaching? This is her first year. She got a late start. I would say she is in her early 40s, but this is her first year to teach. If I had as many ahead of me as she has ahead of her, I would beg for a rope and a very high tree limb.

I brought nothing home over Thanksgiving. I did type a newsletter, but that was it. And I left pretty much on time on Tuesday. I am sooooooooooooo sick of anything school related, I can't even describe it. It's not depression--it's just frustration with the status quo.

I think I would rather someone pistol whip me than make me go to school.

Now that's sad.

I met a mom at the curb on the last day before vacation and told her while she was sitting in her car that if her child chose to behave on Monday the way he had behaved that day he WOULD be in detention. I told her I was spending entirely too much time disciplining her child when I shoud be teaching. I also used the words "contrary" and "needs major attitutude improvement." This is the same one I made cry earlier in the year, so I don't think this helped the situation any. She was mad when she saw me walking to the car door. Her child is a major twerp and if she doesn't reign him in soon, I see orange jumpsuits in his future.

We have a field trip this week, too. A weekend in Beirut would be more fun.

I DEFINITELY need to retire. It is time to pass the torch.

I've Lost the Spark

Remember the song by Barry Manilow called "Trying to Get the Feeling Again?" Well, I sort of feel that way about teaching right now.

The thrill is gone. The light has burned out. I've lost the spark. How do I know this? Because I don't WANT to do anything teacher like anymore.

I still see that spark in younger teachers. God bless them. I remember that spark in me. I just don't have it anymore.

I went to my doctor for a med. check. He said I wasn't depressed, but disappointed. Yeah, I can believe that. Several things that were giving me hope have not panned out, and they all seemed to hit at once. He prescribed Xanax, with a word of caution to use only as needed. He gave me 30 to last two months. With the holidays, I might make it. But if I am at school, consider it very much needed, and I will be taking it. That's why refills were invented.

Stop reading here if you don't want to hear whining and self pity.

I am sick of being called by the wrong name. (My name ends with "s" and they leave it off.)
I am sick of getting up at 5:30.
I am sick of parents who talk amongst themselves instead of talking to me when there is a problem.
I am sick of walking on the treadmill but not losing weight.
I am sick of not eating what I want when I want.
I am sick of feeling guilty when I indulge and do eat what I want when I want.
I am sick of my life.

Yes, there are many good things. I have it much better than many people. I know this, and I offer prayers of Thanksgiving to the man upstairs. I am just not content with the status quo.

Maybe I should reread the Power of Now. It certainly worked wonders earlier in the summer. The lyrics of a Carly Simon song keep going through my head...."Don't know just what I wanted, but I know I wanted more..." And one by Don Henley..."What makes us throw off our contentment and beg for something more?"

Any answers? I think I'm ready to hear them. It's got to get better soon. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

Table for one? The Pity Party? That would be me.

Is it May yet?

Why I Hate Halloween

I hate Halloween. I think kids look cute dressed up until they are about 3, then all bets are off.

I REALLY hate Halloween at school. Let's talk wild--a weekend in Beirut would be calm compared to a classroom full of costumed, sugar filled eight and nine year olds. And why do children act ten times worse when their parents are there for a Halloween party? And why do I feel like a hostess at a dinner party that lacks sparkling dinner conversation with which to entertain these adults who have invaded my classroom?

By noon, I had given up any idea of getting school work accomplished. From that point on, it was lunch and recess, the character parade, then a way tooooooooooo long party.

It was an Excedrin kind of day.

Just SHUT UP

I don't tell my students to shut up. I rarely raise my voice. They have to stop talking to hear me. I wish that was true for the teacher next door to me.

I have listened to her for four years. She needs to take some training in classroom control or invest in a chair and whip. Whatever it takes, she needs to get control of her class.

Yelling is what I hear from her most of the day. Sit down! I already told you to be quiet! I am going to start giving checkmarks if you don't get quiet! I am going to take away your recess if you don't sit down!

Well, start calling some moms and dads or sending home some ugly notes because the yelling ain't working and you are causing your next door neighbor major headaches and stress. I have to STOP my own class because of the distractions coming from her class.

I know my class is not perfect. I know they get loud at times. I know I raise my voice occasionally to get their attention. But my neighbor is giving teachers a bad name.

I would not want my child in her class. I love her dearly as a friend, but she has no control. I was so stressed out today that I walked into the hall and looked in her window to see what was going on. I was very close to walking in and saying "All of you better learn how to act because you won't be acting like this in my room next year. I will NOT stand for it."

I told my principal today that I was about to break. I didn't give specific reasons why, nor did she ask. But she told me to take a mental health day when I needed it and not worry about it. I cried. I hate it when I cry in front of people. At least I wasn't all out bawling--these were just tears. I am not sure what's wrong exactly, but I am teetering on the edge of the abyss, and I don't want to fall in. I've been there before and I don't want to go back. I am going in for a medicine check. Maybe my modern chemistry meds need to be updated even more.

It will get better. It will. I just have to knot my rope and hang on until it does. I also have to remember to dwell on the positive rather than the negative.

And the class next door just needs to SHUT UP ALREADY because they are not helping my already frazzled nerves.

Thank goodness it's Friday.

Monday, Monday

Is there a teacher on earth who really likes Mondays? If the truth was known, I bet the teachers hate them even more than the students. There's just something about Monday. When I get through it, I feel like I can make it the rest of the week.

It was, for the most part, an uneventful day. No major meltdowns. No angry moms. No memos from administrators requesting stupid things I didn't want to do. It was quite nice. Lunch was a little different. They started construction on a new kitchen today, so no hot lunches for a while. I bet there will be a race to the teachers' microwave everyday now. I'm spoiled--I am usually the only one on my team who uses it. I may have to start waiting in line.

We also had to enroll in a new health plan. It was done on line this year. I chose one and got my enrollment out of the way. No use waiting until the last minute.

The PTO fundraiser boxes of items "to be delivered" did arrive. As the PTO president brought them into my room she said, "I'm sure you're thrilled." Her mom was a teacher for 27 years and she definitely knows the score. Anyway, they are all over my room. Hopefully, they will all be picked up soon.

I'm tired. I'm tired of answering the same question over and over and over and over. I'm tired of tattletales. I'm tired of people who can't get along with anyone. I'm tired of never being caught up. I'm just tired of my school teacher's life.

I Hate Fund Raisers

Fund raisers are a necessary evil. I know this. I accept this fact. But I hate it anyway.

I spent my planning time today going through "Uncle Earl's" Great American Mall Deal cards from kids. If they brought the booklet filled in with addresses from friends and family members, the little darlings got two "prizes" with a combined worth of about 25 cents.

That's forty five minutes of my life I'll never get back.

Then, if the paperwork wasn't enough, there are the multiple questions to deal with, such as:
*Why don't I get the prizes? I filled the whole thing out. (See blank pages in back)
*Can I get the prizes if I bring it back tomorrow? (I was nice the first 100 times I said "no," but by the end of the day that question brought forth a GROWL from my throat which produced a SCARED looking kid. At least he did not ask again!)
*Why can't we bring it back tomorrow? (I don't make the rules. Sorry)

The worst part is the kids don't even do the work to earn the prizes. The parents do. I hope they have a good time playing with their cheap plastic ink pens and foam darts.

I told the principal the kids were driving me crazy about this entire thing. She didn't give me much sympathy. She just told me thank you for helping. It certainly wasn't enough compensation.

I think I need a mental health day to recover from this fund raiser.

Here's some more good news. The items ordered from the earlier fund raiser in September should be arriving any day now. I can hear the questions now....

Make that TWO mental health days.

I Don't Think It's Stalking

I am having a hard time letting go of the man of my dreams found through the online dating service. I tried hard to just let it be, and I reread passages from The Power of Now until I think I could quote them from heart. But, I just can't seem to cut the questions loose.

So, I decided to send an email to his personal email account, which I still have. (Hanging onto it for sentimental reasons) The strange thing was my computer would NOT let me send it. And I tried more than once in more than one way. Still, it would not leave my outbox.

Think the universe might be trying to tell me something? Yeah, me too, but I didn't listen. I sent an email through the online dating service. I basically just told him I was wondering about things and how his "issues" were going. I even ended it with "just wondering" and told him to take care.

I haven't heard anything from him, nor will I...ever. But I had to give it one last try, if that's what you would call it. I've done it, and I can do no more. It officially is what it it. (See The Power of Now for further information.)

Anyway, when I still wasn't ready to let go and accept what just simply is, I decided to do an internet search on him. I don't think you could call it stalking. Found the normal things--address, phone number, relatives, employment. Found him on Facebook, but it didn't tell me much. Then I tried My Space...JACKPOT!

It explained sooooooo much about things he said in person, on the phone, and via emails. I don't think he is a bad person. I just think he is a very unhappy person with a lot of responsibilities that he resents. I don't have a psychology degree, but I would bet my diagnosis is right. I would also say he is depressed. On that subject, I definitely know whereof I speak. He doesn't like small towns, he doesn't like his job, etc.

He had posted several pictures. One was of him when he was around 8. All I can say is we could of had adorable babies if I wasn't past menopause. He also had a picture posted from when he was in college. I think he is attractive now, but 20 years ago, he would have made me pant with lust.

Better to end it sooner than later. He did me a favor. If he's not happy, I don't want him. Thanks for all the cliches, folks. You can keep 'em coming. But they aren't helping. My head understands...my heart is having a little trouble.

The thing is in reading all those blog posts he had written, they sounded like I could have written them. Could I have made him happy? Could he have made me happy? Was it simply because of the timing? I looked at that My Space page a lot. I looked at those pictures a lot. I thought about him a lot. All I could think was "Why?" So many unanswered questions.

I am a good person. I am not beautiful, but I am not a beast, either. I am not skinny, and I need to shed some pounds. But there are many happily "coupled" people who are much larger than me. I am fun to be around. I have a great personality. I am gainfully employed. Why is it so hard to make connections I am so ready to make?

I am so glad I'm past all that and ready to move on.

If I say it enough, I will finally believe it. And Man Of My Dreams, if you happen to be reading this...I really do wish you well. I hope you find your bliss and what you are looking for. You deserve to be happy, so do what it takes to get there.

I wonder if you will ever think of me. You can bet you will cross my mind from time to time while I am picturing you living the life you want and looking so happy doing it.

Thanks for the memories...

Silence is Golden

Shhhh....do you hear that? Silence. Ahhhhh. No whining. No fussing. No tattling. No I have to go now. Just pure silence. Oh, how I love it.

Today was the first day of fall break which put me in a great mood. A friend and I went shopping, out to lunch, then visited a spa. I think I liked lunch the best. Being able to actually enjoy your food, along with a conversation, is unheard of for a teacher when he/she is at school. By the time I get my kids started through the line, microwave my lean cuisine, take a much needed potty break, and wash my hands, I have about 12 minutes for lunch. There were three teachers in my family at one point. We always finished dinner first. Old habits are hard to break.

I saw businessmen eating lunch. The thought of being able to leave my place of employment, eat lunch, then return to finish the rest of the day is foreign to me. But it sure seems like a great life. My least favorite place in my school is the cafeteria. Or the boys' bathroom, depending on the day. Maybe they are about equal.

I do love my kids. I love my co-workers. I am thankful I have a job. I am thankful I am able to work.

But most of all, I am thankful for vacations from all of the above.

Out of Room...Out of Patience

I have finally exhausted all the possible room arrangements trying to separate my many male students with behavior problems. They can't get along with anybody, so why keep tiring myself trying to find a suitable deskmate? I finally told them today, "The rest of us are tired of being crowded because you can't get along with anybody else. The room is too small to have so many of you sit alone, touching no other desks. Just get along with whomever you are currently by or be prepared to leave the room and visit the office."

Wonder if it will work? It was the end of the day when I said it, but I did mean it. I have about 6 boys who need to sit totally alone, without their desks touching anyone else's desks. Unfortunately, my room does not allow this--it is simply not big enough. I tried individual seating for a while, but when kids started tripping over feet and chair legs, I decided it just wasn't worth it. The real world requires us to get along with other people; nine year olds can do it, too. Consider it an early life lesson. And they WILL behave and not interrupt my class or they WILL be heading to the hall or office. I have said my peace--AMEN!

I have some kids who can entertain themselves with pencils, which I would think takes great talent. I have one student who constantly destroys pencils. I am not sure what he does to them, but I have seen the end result, and it isn't pretty. I have other kids who bang and tap pencils like drummers in a rock band. Consider my last nerve stepped on. I fear the next time I hear it, I may start singing Metallica songs against my will.

I have tried to explain that I can preach my little heart out all day long, but if one refuses to listen, learning will NOT take place. I ignore as much as I can, but when I look up and see several looking in their desks or down in their laps. I know I've lost them. I want to excite them about learning, and I try, but I am not an entertainer. I am a teacher, and they must be students. In order for the relationship to work, the students have to LISTEN when the teacher is INSTRUCTING.

Thank goodness Fall Break is coming up and I won't have to see the little darlings for a whole week. Fall Break is a wonderful southern invention...we have gotten one week in October for about the last nine years, and it's great. I won't have to hear:
*I don't have a pencil.
*I don't have an eraser.
*I need my pencil sharpened. (even though I JUST sharpened pencils.)
*I need to go to the bathroom.
*What page did you say? (at least 3 times and it's written on the board)
*Where do we put this paper when we're finished? (They don't even know the danger in that one! And, do you see the word "reading" or "math" on it anywhere? And where have we been turning in papers like that for the last nine weeks?)
*I forgot my note, homework, grade slip, etc.
*What are we going to do next? (This one drives me crazy--how about you wait until I finish explaining what we're doing NOW?!)
*Any question beginning with the words "What if..." (Wait until it happens, then we'll deal with it.)

I am soooooooooooo ready for a break, or better yet retirement. Unfortunately, that's still a few years off. I have 3 to 9 years left on my sentence.... And some days, it does feel like a sentence.

I have started saying a prayer every morning when I get off the treadmill. It goes like this: God, grant me patience and grace, and let me face all the joys and challenges you give me today with dignity and grace.

I'm glad He is listening. Otherwise, I don't think I could face another day in the classroom.

One Mad Mama

Ask anyone who knows me, and they will tell you that I never miss school. It's just easier to go than to try and catch up upon returning. Well, yesterday and today were my fourth and fifth sick days this year...and we are not yet one fourth of the way through. I still have 148 sick days left, but still, that pile that awaits me tomorrow just fills me with a sense of dread.

These last two days I was out for medical testing. You don't want to know the specifics. Just suffice it to say I would RATHER have been at school, I'm very glad it's all over, and it all turned out well.

I didn't get to eat for 36 hours and I was not pleasant to be around. I rarely am when I am dieting, so when I can't eat at all, I'm a real beast. Not being able to drink water sucks, too. Just makes you want it all the more.

Enough of my medical issues.

My child who moved in a few weeks ago moved on to another school. Good. He was a discipline problem and his mother was never happy with anyone or anything, and it was NEVER her child's fault. I kindly pointed that out to her during an ARC, and they moved shortly thereafter. She butted heads with the principal, too. She did not have nice things to say about her child's previous school, but I have a feeling their side of the story would differ greatly from hers. Oh well, I wish him well...as long as he stays somewhere else.

I made a mother cry on Friday. She called to report her child was being picked on. I was fortunate to have witnessed one of the incidents she cited, so I had to kindly explain to her that her little darling was as guilty as the other child. After a few moments of deafening silence, I said, "I can tell you are not happy with what I am saying." She went on to tell me that regardless of what I was seeing now, it had always been totally the other child in previous years. She wound up crying and hanging up on me. After I informed the principal of the situation and calmed down myself, I thought about what to do. I took both children out in the hall separately and told them they were NOT to so much as look in the direction of the other. I also moved them apart, against my better judgment, because they both needed to be up front where I had them for various reasons. I wound up leaving the mom a voicemail telling her that I had talked to both children, moved her child, informed the principal, etc. I told her I felt the problem had been dealt with, but she could contact me or the principal if she felt the need to do so. I feel like I made an enemy, but I refuse to sugar coat the issue--she cannot blame everything on someone else when I have SEEN her child with my own eyes doing exactly what she is accusing the other child of doing. The blame must be shared. She even accused the other kid of kicking in a bathroom stall while her child was sitting in it. Now my kids tattle about everything, and not one child mentioned that to me--including her child.

She practically ruined my weekend. I just hate it when there are parent problems. I have been lucky the last few years to not have many, but this may be the year I make up for it. I try to accomodate parent wishes whenever I can, but this one just hit me wrong. Anyway...it is what it is. She's really not going to be happy when she sees his progress report and finds that he also does not listen, does not follow rules or directions, and does not accept responsibility for his behavior. Most of these were discussed during our aforementioned conversation, but I am sure seeing them in print will make her very happy. NOT!

Why can't kids just get along?????????????????

A New Life

The man of my dreams that I met via the online dating service finally got in touch...long enough to say it wasn't going to work out. Such hopes, such dreams dashed in the course of a few seconds.

What is the old saying? When you fall off the horse, get right back on. Easier said than done, but I am sending out the signals again, trying to cast my net wider. Hope springs eternal.

He was such a good distraction from school...

Speaking of school, I brought home a bag full of work and left it in the backseat of my car. The thought of grading papers right now makes me ill.

I have really let things go this year, more so than I ever thought I would or even could. Some days I feel like I'm fumbling around like a rookie. I can't seem to find anything. And my desk........it looks like an atomic bomb hit it. I have thrown away center work (Reading First requires it) because I am covered up with more papers than I will ever get to grade. I have laid aside papers and "to do" chores that had no definite deadlines, which in the past I would have jumped right on.

I just don't care as much as I used to. I figure if they need them bad enough, they'll give me a shout. I used to live in fear of those shouts. Now, not so much.

I'm not depressed. Modern chemistry has taken care of that. Just disappointed and very tired. I had a girls' night out on Friday, then an all day scrapbook crop on Saturday. I fell asleep last night watching TV and woke up in the same postion with the TV still on at 5 AM. I took a three hour nap after church today, and I still think I could go to bed right now!!!

My anti-aging quest continues. I had my first micropeel on Thursday. If you like heat, you should definitely try micropeels out. My face felt like it was on FIRE. I am flaking like crazy. I have brown patches of dead skin which I was repeatedly told not to pick, but how can anyone NOT pick it? It's just hanging there, begging to be ripped off. Now, where I was unable to resist the urge, I have red spots. I bet putting on make up for school tomorrow will be lots of fun. I've been lathering up with moisturizer all weekend, so hopefully I'll see some improvement by tomorrow morning. (My fingers are crossed anyway.)

I don't like Sunday nights, but I really hate Monday mornings. For those about to embark on another week of educating our nation's youth, I salute you!

Still Waiting on a Life

I swear I think I am being tested. How long am I supposed to wait for a phone call from a man who acted interested then seemed to drop me without warning? After a cancelled date (for which he had a good excuse), I am waiting for that follow up phone call which should have come days ago. The one where he says, "Oh, I'm so sorry I had to break our date. How about this weekend?" At this point I would even settle for a friendly "hello, I really don't hate you. I'm just rotten at communicating with the opposite sex."

My sister told me she was glad she didn't have to date anymore. Imagine that! Why wouldn't anyone love this constant feeling of inadequacy and rejection? It just really builds up your self confindence and makes you feel really good about yourself.

I went back and reread parts of The Power of Now. It reminded me that I should not depend on anyone other than myself for happiness and that if I just deal with THIS MOMENT, all problems will disappear like magic.

I'm trying, but it doesn't seem to be working. Oh, the joys of the single life!

Enough of feeling sorry for myself. Men are like buses; if you miss one you can always catch the next one.

Five Weeks and Counting....

We just finished our fifth week of school. Hard to believe. I remember when it took FOREVER to get from one birthday to the next. Once, when I was around 14, I mentioned this to a youth leader at my church. He told me, "Just wait until you hit 21. You won't believe how fast time will go by then." Boy was he ever right.

My current count of students with ADHD is up to six. I am running out of room arrangements to accomodate their need to have their own spaces. I like to put desks in groups of six, and I have done so for years, but that does not appear to work with this particular group. The more kids I have to put into their "own space," the smaller my room becomes.

This class seems to be better behaved than my previous class. There are several who have the potential to be major pistols, but I am keeping them on a short leash. So far it's working, so cross your fingers. A parent wrote me the nicest email this week about how much she appreciated my structured class and high student expectations. I wrote her back to thank her for taking the time to email me. Parents always let you know when they don't like something, so it is always especially nice to hear compliments. I even keep a file of such notes and have done so for several years. Every once in a while when I am feeling overworked and under appreciated, I get out my "feel better file." It always does the trick, and reminds me that the way I spend my days does make a difference in many lives.

I have read The Power of Now two times, but I find that I have to constantly remind myself not to fall back into old habits, i.e. staying at school until 5 or 6 and then bringing a bag full of papers home to grade, worryiing about pleasing Reading First higher ups, agonizing over test scores, pondering the many students I have this year who need more than I will ever be able to give them. I am doing better with the stress level this year, and people have noticed. I just leave things undone that I would NEVER have left undone before. I have found, however, they get done eventually, and that no one worries nearly as much about things as I do. Life is too short to spend every moment being anything less than content. All we have is now, and I am trying very hard to live my life with that in mind.

On the personal front, I am planning another date with the man I met through the dating service. I think it is obvious we have an attraction, and I am looking forward to spending more time with him. As to whether or not it will lead to anything long term, I don't know. But I think the journey to find that out will be a pleasing one. I often wonder what my life would be like if I had made different choices about my career and living in a rural area. Then, the answer becomes clear--I wouldn't be who I am. As the line in the Woody Allen movie, Crimes and Misdemeanors, says "We are the sum total of our choices."

School Has Officially Made Me Sick

Well, school has officially made me sick. I've had kids with snotty noses and hacking coughs in my face all week, and it finally caught up with me. It started with a scratchy throat on Wednesday night, and by Thursday morning, it was full blown illness. I went to school at 5 AM to get stuff laid out for my sub. On Friday, she was on her own. Luckily, my sub was a retired teacher I used to work with, so I am sure I will find everything in good shape when I return. I thought about going up this afternoon, as my plans are not finished for next week, but my energy level is not back to normal yet, so I put it off until tomorrow. I can go after church. I have a lot to do---finish plans, put out papers, prepare centers, grade papers, then enter the grades in the new mandated computer program. It makes me dizzy just thinking about all of it.

I am feeling better, but I have plans for tonight and I am saving what energy I have for then. I have a DATE. I am so looking forward to actually meeting this man in person. He seems genuine. I talked to him on the phone, and we arranged to meet tongiht for a first date. Cross your fingers for me. It's a shame I got sick right at this particular time, but at least I am feeling better and did not have to cancel. It has been so long since I played the Dating Game, and I had forgotten how exhausting it can be. What to wear was a major decision that took around an hour with several people putting in their opinions. I just keep thinking "You never get a second chance to make a first impression," so I want to look my best. I also just want to have an enjoyable evening. Conversation with someone over 8 and under 70 will be a refreshing change....

When I set out to change my life, I really changed it. My positive outlook is affecting all parts of my life. Good things seem to come my way (other than this unpleasant illness). I am just enjoying feeling alive.

A teacher I work with lost one of her best friends to an accident that occurred on a church outing. It was by the grace of God that she was not there with her family to witness the entire thing. This 36 year old woman left behind a husband and 8 year old daughter. Please keep them in your prayers. They have a rough road ahead. Just another reminder to all of us to treasure every moment.

My Defining Moments

Dr. Phil says you have life defining moments. I can't remember if he said there were 5 or 7, but I have been thinking about some of mine.

1. My uncle told me my toes spread abnormally far apart when we were on vacation in Daytona Beach in 1978. I refused to wear sandals until 2000 because of that comment.

2. My junior English teacher in high school told me in front of some other people:
"You have such a pretty face. Now I want you to start dieting right away." Today, that comment could have gotten her fired. In 1978, it was considered helpful advice. I just hated that she said it in front of my friends. I was soooooo embarassed. I think that comment has always stuck with me, and I have battled weight issues my entire life. I have always felt fat, even when I really wasn't.

3. I once turned down a babysitting job when I was 13 years old. I don't even remember what I had planned (golf, I think), but it made my father furious. He said, "You should work every chance you get." It made me feel lazy and that I had disappointed him. I think that made me a workaholic, partly because I am still trying to show him I am NOT lazy.

4. The second year I taught, my CTBS scores at the end of the year were AWFUL. The supervisor or instruction paid me a visit, telling me that I needed to analyze my scores and make improvements before the next round of testing the following year. When I asked her "Were they that bad?", she gave me a stern look and said "They could have been better." I think that is why I get sick around testing time every year--I am always afraid I won't meet the goal that has been set before me. I also think that's why I refuse to feel guilty for "teaching the test," at least as much as possible.

5. I remember my aunt (the one who passed away recently) telling me that I would be just like her. Only she wasn't talking about being a teacher...she was talking about being dateless through high school. I did have dates, but they never seemed to lead anywhere. She also battled a weight problem her entire life. We really did have a lot in common. She married and had children, however, while I have stayed single.

6. My high school boyfriend totally broke my heart. They say you never forgot your first love, and I haven't. I still remember sitting in a car crying uncontrollably because he had "dumped" me. I always liked him more than he liked me. He had once liked my sister, who never liked him "that way," and I believe he saw me as the closest he could get to her. If it wasn't love with him, I don't know what you would call it. I graduated from high school in 1980, and I STILL think about him. I think that after that happened, I started building walls and not letting men get too close to me. I never wanted to feel that pain again. I also think that is why I chose the guys that were "safe" to date in college. They were never really intersted in my "that way," so basically, I was safe from heartbreak.

When I look back at those events, it makes me understand why I am what I am. Some parts of me could be better, but overall, I think I have done well for myself. I am working to make my life better. I try to find joy in all I do.

And to that high school boyfriend-----boy, did you miss a great opportunity!!!

Two Weeks Down...and Counting 8/16/08

A second week of school is behind me. I have sat on them from moment one. Too many of these little whipper snappers have the potential to be hellions if I give them so much as an inch. They can call mean, bear, witch, etc. They can call me anything as long as they mind me.

I have three, or maybe four, on ADHD meds, and I got a new one this week who is supposedly getting on them soon. I believe God puts people in your path for a reason, so I guess the reason I got the new one, even though I already had the highest number in my grade level, will be made clear to me in the future. I asked the principal why I got him even though I had the highest number. She said the roster she was looking at had not been updated, so she put him in my room. She offered to move him, but I told her I had already talked to the mom, created a rapport, and felt that she would be comfortable with me. If it was my kid, I wouldn't want to meet a teacher, create a connection I felt comfortable with, then find out he was moved.

I do not like getting new students. It upsets the apple cart and messes up the entire groupd dynamic that has aleady been established. However, I would rather get them in the beginning of the year rather than later on, so maybe it will work out for the best.

His mom wrote "we will talk about this at the IEP meeting" on just about every piece of enrollment paperwork she had to fill out. As I told the special ed. secretary, she is "jonesing" for a meeting. Might be an interesting one....

I love the fact that I am typing this while watching TV. Going wireless is the BOMB. I highly recommend it. I still use my desktop, mainly because I don't have all my files transferred yet, but I'll get there sooner or later.

I have almost finished my second reading of The Power of Now. My principal is now reading it, and she stops to talk about it with me from time to time, which I enjoy. I would love to start a book club and use that particular book. I have found it amazing! I remember reading in Oprah magazine that Meg Ryan was on Oprah's show several years ago, and she told the audience, "If you only read one book, read The Power of Now. It will change your life." Oprah took her advice, reading the little known book. When she went public with her approval, the book made it to the top seller lists and the author became famous. Anyway, I'm glad the book found it's way to me.

The Blurter, the Tattler, and the WILD MAN

I survived my first week and am well on my way to surviving the 2nd. So far, they are a pretty good group, but I sat on them from the first minute. They can learn how nice I am later--better they learn to "believe" first!

I have several blurters. In fact, I wrote on the board OUR GOAL: NO BLURTING OUT! I told them it would be up until it was achieved. That was last Thursday. Needless to say it's still up. If anybody has a cure for the "blurts" let me know. It would be worth its weight in gold!

Then I have the tattler. He is constantly in everyone else's business. He can't get his work done for telling me the kids sitting across from him are not doing their work. He tattles on people for things, then turns around and does the SAME things himself. I have told him that life is soooooooo much better when you worry about your own business and let everybody else take care of their own.

Then I have the WILD MAN. This kid is absolutely precious, and I can't help but love him, but his ADHD medicine doesn't kick in until around 9. Until it kicks in, he is literally jumping up and down, hollering, clicking pencils, and practically standing on his head. Once the medicine kicks in, it is like a switch has been flipped. He becomes quiet and cooperative. I often find myself praying for 9 AM.

All in all, they seem to be a good group. They seem fairly typical, basically the same blend I have seen for the past 24 years. I will survive.

This morning when I got off the treadmill, I found myself praying, "Thank you, God, for this day and all that it will bring."

It was a usual day. Things were just normal--nothing extreme. Just an ordinary day. It was a good day. Thank you, Lord.

Do You Have "The Teacher Frown Line?"

I went to the spa Friday after school and had my first experience with Botox. WOW is all I can say. I can see a difference and it has only been about 36 hours. Lines disappeared like magic. It is a subtle difference, but one that makes me feel more confident in my appearance.

I have had a deep line on the bridge of my nose, right between my eyes, for as long as I can remember. The doctor actually told me that it was a "school teacher thing" probably from years of frowning and scolding naughty boys and girls. Anyway, the line always made me look like I was angry. The good doctor filled it in with some juvaderm, along with using the botox on the area. It is so much better. Maybe now my nephew won't tell me to come "put my frown" on other children when he is angry with them!

I wonder if anyone will notice--again, it is a subtle difference. No one in my family has noticed or at least they haven't said anything. Monday might be interesting.

I had a choice today of going to school to get caught up or going to the movies. The old me would have gone to school, but instead I went to the movies. I saw "Step Brothers." I was hoping it would make me laugh so hard that I would fall out of my seat, but it didn't. It was average, at best. It was still better than going to school! I don't know when I'll ever catch up--maybe I won't.

By the way, my email dude didn't let me down after all--I got his latest message on Thursday. Maybe there's hope yet. He seems so nice, and we seem to have so much in common. I am trying not to "over expect." The possibilities, however, are exciting to think about!

Well, it is Saturday night and here I am blogging. Let's hope this will be one of my last Saturday nights home alone. I am so ready to experience all the great things that are out there waiting for me! Life is good!

I REALLY Want a Life

I am back in the swing of things at school. Tomorrow is Friday and will end the first week with kids. So far, so good. I just try to take it one day at a time, per my new attitude.

I have gotten up and done the treadmill most mornings this week. I have to get up around 5 AM, which means bed around 9. Not exciting, but necessary, if I want to function in the classroom.

Along with my new attitude, I have signed up with two on-line dating services. I decided it was time to take a chance, and that seemed like an easy way to dip my toes in the dating pool without getting totally wet. Unfortunately, I don't appear to be having much luck.

I have sent icebreakers that never got a response. I ALWAYS respond when someone contacts me, even if it's just to say, "Sorry, I don't think this will work out. Good luck in your search." It is extremely disheartening to put yourself out there and have no one respond. One guy was corresponding on a regular basis, then boom, I have heard nothing all week. It's a shame, too. We really seemed to have a lot in common. He did not seem like the kind of guy who would drop me without an explanation, but then again, how much do I really know about him? For all I know he could be a 14 year old who posted a picture of his uncle and made his profile from complete lies.

I hate rejection, but who doesn't? I guess it just goes with the game. I thought I gave that particular game up in college. Dating is like a looking for a job --always wondering if you made a good impression and asking yourself things like: Did I say the right thing in my e-mail? Did I respond too soon? Should I have waited longer to send a reply? Did he get that a certain line was supposed to be a joke or did he take it seriously? I swear you could drive yourself crazy trying to figure it all out.

I'm not giving up though. I am still sending icebreakers. I also put out the word with friends that I am now willing to be "fixed up". I have always firmly been against this, but again, I think it's time to take the chance. One friend approached me today about someone she knew. I told her to start working on it, I was more than willing to try.

I am so much more than a teacher. Due to my choices, however, that's all most people see. I want to be good at my job, and I believe I am. But spending all my time on it has cost me a lot in the personal part of my life. I am so hoping it's not too late to fix it, or at least make it better. I feel like I am standing at a crossroad and just hoping destiny sends me in the direction I want and need.

Well, at least I am fretting about something other than school. Who would have ever believed that?!

My 24th First Day

Well, I survived another first day--my 24th. For a first day, it went relatively well--no major outburts or criers. (You would think in third grade they would be past crying, but I've had one or two the last few years.)

Only one mama seemed unpleasant. Maybe she didn't mean to be--I don't live her life. She was just very short and kept saying, "but your list said." Well, maybe she thought it said that, but it didn't.

I did not yell or scream, although I did have to speak loudly to get their attention a couple of times. I did, however, hear a friend down the hall already yelling and barking like it was the middle of the year instead of the beginning.

I told this class, like I have told every class, "do what I tell you to do and I'm the nicest person you'll ever meet. Disobey me and then all those people who said I was mean will turn out to be right. It's always your choice. Choose wisely, boys and girls." We'll see if it takes.

I saw two new kindergarten teachers. One had a smile plastered on her face that said, "Yeah, I am surviving, but just barely." I taught Kindergarten at one point and LOVED it, but I would never want to go back. I've aged considerably since then.

I always forget from year to year how much you have to train a class to do things your way. And one thing about this group--boy do they ask questions. Before I can explain or get a sentence out of my mouth, there are hands waving to ask "What if...?" I don't answer very many "what ifs." I just say when it happens, we'll deal with it.

I am exhausted. I left at 4:30, meeting one of the goals I have set for myself. My desk looked pretty bad, but I was just too tired to deal with it. It will be waiting for me tomorrow. I do have to run some labels for folders tonight, but after that, I am taking the night off.

My 9:30 bedtime was not early enough. Think I'll shoot for 9 tonight.

Hope everyone's first day goes well. I'm sure glad mine is over for another year.

And, as always, for those about to teach, I salute you!!!

Nightmare!

I dreamed about our Reading First program last night. But, instead of dream, I would call it a nightmare.

This is supposed to be the last year of a six year grant, and I am sooooooo ready for it to be over. In my nightmare, however, we were told, "Reading First is here to stay." I cannot tell you how displeased I was in my nightmare, along with most every one else. I kept thinking, "How am I ever going to make this fit with my new 'being in the now' attitude?" I could feel myself fighting it internally in my dream, making myself more and more upset about it. Maybe God was preparing me for something, making the dream my rehearsal. I am sure many bumps will appear in the road this year; after all, they always do. I am just looking at handling them differently when they do appear. Anyway, I woke up with a strange feeling..... I was glad to realize it was just a dream and not reality.

I played with my new laptop last night. It was weird because it was so different from a desktop, but I think I'll like it. I couldn't do much with it, as almost everything I do is via internet, but I just played around. I hope the Geek Squad guy gets it up and going. We have an appointment Saturday morning at 8. No sleeping in after a week at school for me next week, but it will be worth it in the end.

This is going to be a really busy week. In addition to school starting, I have a doctor's appointment in a city about 45 miles away on Monday, after school. On Friday, I have set up a visit with a spa in the same city. It just worked out I didn't move fast enough to get in before school started, so I had to go with the first week. Needless to say, I am looking much more forward to the spa than the doctor. The spa on Friday might actually work out great. What a way to end the first week of school!

Busy days ahead!

Saturday--But Not in the Park!

Remember that song by the rock group Chicago, "Saturday in the Park?" Hence, my title. If you were born after 1970, you probably never heard of them, but they were big "back in the day."

Anyway, I bought a new laptop computer today. It has major power for gamers. When I checked out, the guy from the Geek Squad said, "Nice computer. What games do you play?" When I told him none, he looked quite shocked. I told him I just wanted MORE POWER. He said I should have plenty. We'll see. I went over my budget by $300, but I figure when the desktop dies, this one can replace it.

I went to school today and started working on my plans for the first week. I was inspired by a random thought and turned it into a week's worth of work. It's not formally compiled or written down yet, but I figure I can sketch it out on Monday. We have opening day for teachers on Monday, but no kids until Tuesday. Unfortunately, they stay allllllllll day the first day. It will be a long week. We have started on a Friday for the past few years, and that worked great.

My life is getting back to normal--thank goodness. I am not ready to rise from bed at the crack of dawn, but I think I am ready to get back into a routine. I've always said, "After about 10 minutes back, it's like you never really left."

My team members do not have their rooms ready. We're talking piles of "stuff" everywhere. One does not surprise me--she is a fly by the seat of your pants kind of gal. The other, however, astonishes me. She is always so precise in all that she does, and is usually ready way before school starts. She told me she was going to make changes. I think she means it. I also think I noticed some weight gain right in her belly--I am thinking she might be pregnant. It wouldn't surprise me a bit--I think she has been wanting to add to the family.

I think she will be good for me this year as I start my journey towards more balance between school and home. She is certainly off to a great start as a role model. (Although I don't think there would be any way I could have let my room go unfinished this long unless it was dire consequences.)

The temperatures for this week are predicted for mid to high 90's, so that will put our heat index over 100. No outdoor recess for a while. I sweat when the A/C is full blast and a personal fan is blowing on me. When kids complain, I tell them to bring a jacket and leave it at school. They can add more clothing, but I can't eliminate any.

I'm off to watch a funny movie.

The Last Friday

Sounds ominous, huh? It's not the LAST Friday ever, just the last Friday of this summer's vacation. It's back to school on Monday, then kids come Tuesday for the entire day. I am glad I got my room decorated early. We had a death in the family, and I've been in a tailspin ever since. I have to get those plans done, though. I don't even have the first week in place, and that is sooooooooo unlike me. Maybe I am really going to make those changes this time--I pray!

I really do NOT enjoy lesson plans. Unfortunately, it goes with the job.

A retired teacher stopped me today and said she had some of my deceased aunt's books that she needed to return. "I was going to take them back and get some more. I always thought there would be time." Lesson learned. Treat every person as if it's the last time you will see them--because one day, it will be.

It has been an emotional day. The last of the family headed back to their perspective homes, and my house was quiet. The noise of children, chatter of friends, and ringing of the phone had finally stopped. In a way, I was ready for some peace and quiet, but in another way, it was weird. I just sat and cried for a few minutes and hoped it was out of my system. It wasn't sobbing, just crying for a loss. Then, I choked up in front of a friend and had to leave her standing there, which I find embarassing, though I am sure she understood. I guess it will just take time.

Anyway, end of vacation has arrived. For those about to teach, I salute you!

Professional Development Begins & My Goals

We started professional development this week. We are learning an entirely new computer system, phone system, and assessment programs on-line. It has gone surprisingly smoothly. No one has totally freaked out, and everyone seems to be taking it all in stride. If someone is concerned, they are hiding it well.

I love to watch the rookie teachers during their first professional development days. I am not sure what could explain it any better other than the look of a deer caught in headlights. "I am overwhelmed and completely lost" might as well be tatooed on their foreheads.

I sympathize with them. I remember my first days when I looked at another teacher who was starting out and asked her, "Do you feel overwhelmed?" She admitted she did, and we became friends, helping each other through that first year. I would not turn back the clock and start my career over again for any amount of money. Experience has definitely been the best teacher--there is no substitute for it.

I am also on the path to making changes. This year, I am not going to stay until 5 PM then bring home a bag full, too. I am not going to be the last car off the parking lot every night. I am not going to dwell on school after hours. I am not going to wear myself out to the point that I can't do anything fun on weekends because I have given all my energy to school.

These are my goals:
1. Leave school by 4:30 on MOST days.
2. Leave papers to grade at school.
3. Do FUN things on my computer at night rather than scrounge for websites for kids.
4. Do FUN things on weekends--movies, eat out, find friends I have lost contact with.
5. Learn to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
6. Listen to the problems of other people, but do not let them become my own.
7. Devote more time to family, friends, and church.
8. Make new friends that will help me broaden my horizons.

I intend to do each of these things. I will have to constantly work on it, but I am ready for it. I know I say the same things every year, followed by "I really mean it this time." Well, this time, I believe I truly do mean it. It's time to make a change, and I am ready for what lies ahead.

A Tribute to Auntie B

My aunt passed away this week. Not only was she my aunt, she was also my 2nd grade teacher. She was a teacher for 32 years. She retired 7 years ago, and loved every minute of it. I can't even remember how many people walked through the line at the funeral home and said, "She was my favorite teacher," or "She made a big difference in my life."

I am not sure she believed she made a difference. I think by the time she left, she was burned out and cynical. But from the number of former students who came to pay their respects, it was obvious she made a huge difference. It was pretty unique that I was her niece, then her student, then a fellow teacher.

I depended on her so much when I started teaching. She helped me set up my first daily schedule, gave me advice on how to handle parents, and taught me wisdom on dealing with students that are diffult to deal with. I will miss her.

Here's to you Auntie B. You did make a difference. I will miss you, and I will always love you very much.

The Power of Now

I am currently reading the book The Power of Now. It was recommended by Oprah, so I decided to give it a try. A lot of it is pshyco-babble, way above my head, but I swear parts of that book have spoken to me.

The gist of the entire book is "live in the moment" because basically that is all you have and all that matters. Now, common sense tells us that, but how many of us really listen and follow? Not me!

I looked back at a post I wrote June 29, and I was already thinking about school. When I go on a vacation, I can't seem to fully enjoy it for thinking about the vacation ending. I decided to read The Power of Now, hoping it would give me some insight into ways to manage my "worrying." I think it did.

Yesterday I went to school and met the tech person in the hallway. He immediately started rattling off problems (we are good friends) and talking about his frustration. Then, he started talking about the new computer program all teachers must use and how many kinks were still unresolved with it, and I started to panic. The Power of Now mantra entered my brain. STOP! You only have to deal with this moment and nothing else. Just this moment. I shared this with my friend, who now wants to borrow my book.

Does it prevent me from worrying every time? No. Does it always make me feel better? No. But I think with practice, it could. It makes a lot of sense. Yesterday is done, and I can never bring it back or change what happened. Tomorrow may never come, and if it does, it will have worries of its own, so why think about it today? Instead, focus on this moment.

The Power of Now offers helpful advice. It has shown promise during these summer months. The true test will come when school starts.

I Believe in the Prozac Nation

As I have read through the blogs of other teachers, the word "depression" has appeared in several. That is a word I am familiar with, as I have battled it for over 20 years. The two major bouts I have experienced were both triggered by school/work related matters. I take anti depressants and have been told I will have to do so for as long as I teach.

Knowing my circumstances, there have been several teachers in my building who have confided in me that they must take medication, too. I've heard of Lexapro, Effexor, Celexa, Wellbutrin, and Paxil being taken by numerous staff members. You have to ask yourself, "What does this say about our profession?"

I had a friend who warned me that teaching was a stressful job. I was in college at the time, however, wide eyed with the belief I could change the world and how could teaching possibly be stressful? Turns out that woman was wiser than I could have ever imagined.

Thank goodness for friends and family who understand. I am lucky to work with other teachers who are supportive and willing to listen. I am lucky that I have insurance to pay for the medication that helps me to keep a job and maintain quality of life. And, I am grateful that through the years I have gained knowledge on dealing with this condition and how to live with it.

To all those teachers who are on the edge of the abyss or have risen from it, I understand. Stay strong!

I Got THE LIST

I got the list of my new students for the 08-09 school year this week. For some reason I always get a knot in my stomach when I see that envelope with the school name in the corner when I pull it from the mailbox. Will I get "the bad ones"? Will I get all the special need kids? Will I get the one whose mother hovers around every day making sure her "baby" is being treated right? Will I get the children of a teacher in my building? Will I get the children of the principal, superintendent or other central office administrator, or a board member's child?

After jumping to all the possible worst conclusions, I convince myself there is only one way to find out--just like a sticky band aid, rip it as fast as possible to get it over with.

I do so and take a look, quickly scanning for any of the aforementioned students.

Maybe I should have left it sealed.

There it is in black and white. The names of four boys who are known as problem children, the child of an administrator, and the children of several fellow teachers. Ooooohhhhh my! I spend the next few days convincing myself it won't be that bad and that I can handle anything and that if I survived last year I can do anything. It won't be so bad! I can do this! I've been doing it for over 20 years after all, and not one class has managed to do me in yet. (Although a few have come VERY close.) I feel better. The knot has come untied.

Until.....I see the school secretary when going to the school to do some work. She says, "Oh, I saw your list. You got all the rough ones." I console myself by repeating silently, "What does she know? She can't possibly know all these kids." Again, my mantra is "I can do this, I can do this." As I walk down the hall, I start to feel a little better when I see Mrs. X from across the hall.

"Hi," she says, all smiles. "I notice you got my delightful John Doe in your room this year. He about killed me last year. I felt the need for alcohol every night and I don't even drink. Good luck." Oh no, here comes that knot again. I kindly thank her for her insight while thinking, "Oh, she's a rookie. No wonder she had trouble with him. She didn't have the experience I do in dealing with these kids." I repeat my mantra silently and walk into my room. I can do this, I can do this.

Soon there is a knock at the door. It is the PE teacher who has had every kid in the building. "You had better ask for a year's leave of absence. If you think you had it bad last year, just wait. This year's list looks even worse. You are in for it, girl." Again, that annoying knot. Again, I thank him for his insight, which he continues to enlighten me with for about 10 minutes before finally leaving.

My mantra continues. I can do this. I CAN do this. I CAN DO this. I CAN DO THIS.

Maybe if I say it enough times I'll get the knot untied again. Say some prayers. Yes, I know I can do it, but a little help from upstairs sure wouldn't hurt.

Here's Hoping There's No Reading "Second"

I teach at a Reading First school. This is a multi million dollar grant funded through the NCLB act. I consider GRANT a dirty word. Although RF and NCLB are wonderful in theory, they are totally out of touch with reality. I believe every child can learn, but not all children can learn the same things or amount of information. Every child will learn, but some will never go as far as others. Sad, but true, despite our best efforts.

Reading First mandates (non-negotiables in RF language)have sent me home crying many a night after staying at school until 5 PM trying to meet the goal of completing yet another set of paperwork that has been set before me. How many ways and on how many reports can you write the same thing? As with most federal mandates, there is always "add more" but never "take away." RF is very fluid, meaning what goes today may not go tomorrow. Or worse, what we put in place last year may not fly this year. Who knows? Constantly starting over is about the only permanent thing with RF. As soon as I feel comfortable with one thing, here comes something totally brand new, yet according to RF officials, better.

Legislators should stick to what they know best--politics. Leave the teaching to teachers. Or at the very least, ask the experts (i.e. educators) what is best before passing sweeping legislation that turns our lives, both in the classroom and personally, upside down.

Shame on you, Laura Bush, a former teacher/librarian, for singing the praises of NCLB and RF when you should know what it would entail for dedicated teachers. And shame on me for voting for your husband, who pushed NCLB. That's a vote I will regret for the rest of my career!

What Will Stick to Cement Walls?

I spent today finishing up my room decorating. What will stick to cinder block walls? I've tried hot glue, sticky tak, glue dots, and every new invention that comes on the market that says "this WILL work," but so far nothing has.

Summer is evaporating before my very eyes. I always hate the Fourth of July--it has always sort of signaled the death of summer in my eyes for some reason. I'm not sure why--just the way my mind works I guess. I can't enjoy the present for worrying about the future. Maybe worrying is not the right word--getting everything done on time is my concern. I will, though, I always do. Someone told me once, "If you had a week, you'd take the whole week. If you only had a day, you would get it done in the day." I think they are probably right. I remember painting my own classroom walls one summer because the maintenance people were so far behind I wouldn't be able to decorate until after school started, and that just wouldn't do. I should have submitted a bill for painting labor to the board office, but it wouldn't have done any good.

Someone I trust compared the classrooms of students in my grade level today. She seems to think I have the most discipline problems. Just when I thought last year's bunch was the worst I could ever possibly have to endure, it turns out I could be wrong. I guess only time will tell. That's another thing about being a veteran teacher. Sometimes I think you get stuck with more of the "challenging" kids because the administration thinks you can handle it. Maybe so, but I would still like to see the "wealth" spread around more equally. I had better get my bluff in on this bunch early!! I do have some good kids, but it seems the "rounders" have ended up with me again, too. It is what it is, so I'll deal with it.

Summers Off--Yeah Right!!

If anyone tells you that teachers get the summers off, do NOT believe them. Our school dismissed in May for summer, and I have already started working on my classroom for next year. I always thought that after a few years, I would find everything easier to do and in a much shorter time period. Well, so far, it hasn't worked out that way. I can't remember a summer in 23 years that I have not put in lots of days in the summer.

I wish I was one of those teachers (and they do exist) who can walk out of the door on the last day of school and never give it a thought until it's time to reopen for a new year in August. (This is the south--we go back when it is so hot you sweat when you step outside. Recess is LOTS of fun. And don't get me started on the smell of sweaty kids in the enclosed space of a classroom after recess! It's not pleasant.)

It's hard to enjoy a vacation when your mind is racing to think about all the things that must get done before school starts. If anyone knows a cure, let me know--I would PAY money for it.