Professional Development Begins & My Goals

We started professional development this week. We are learning an entirely new computer system, phone system, and assessment programs on-line. It has gone surprisingly smoothly. No one has totally freaked out, and everyone seems to be taking it all in stride. If someone is concerned, they are hiding it well.

I love to watch the rookie teachers during their first professional development days. I am not sure what could explain it any better other than the look of a deer caught in headlights. "I am overwhelmed and completely lost" might as well be tatooed on their foreheads.

I sympathize with them. I remember my first days when I looked at another teacher who was starting out and asked her, "Do you feel overwhelmed?" She admitted she did, and we became friends, helping each other through that first year. I would not turn back the clock and start my career over again for any amount of money. Experience has definitely been the best teacher--there is no substitute for it.

I am also on the path to making changes. This year, I am not going to stay until 5 PM then bring home a bag full, too. I am not going to be the last car off the parking lot every night. I am not going to dwell on school after hours. I am not going to wear myself out to the point that I can't do anything fun on weekends because I have given all my energy to school.

These are my goals:
1. Leave school by 4:30 on MOST days.
2. Leave papers to grade at school.
3. Do FUN things on my computer at night rather than scrounge for websites for kids.
4. Do FUN things on weekends--movies, eat out, find friends I have lost contact with.
5. Learn to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
6. Listen to the problems of other people, but do not let them become my own.
7. Devote more time to family, friends, and church.
8. Make new friends that will help me broaden my horizons.

I intend to do each of these things. I will have to constantly work on it, but I am ready for it. I know I say the same things every year, followed by "I really mean it this time." Well, this time, I believe I truly do mean it. It's time to make a change, and I am ready for what lies ahead.

A Tribute to Auntie B

My aunt passed away this week. Not only was she my aunt, she was also my 2nd grade teacher. She was a teacher for 32 years. She retired 7 years ago, and loved every minute of it. I can't even remember how many people walked through the line at the funeral home and said, "She was my favorite teacher," or "She made a big difference in my life."

I am not sure she believed she made a difference. I think by the time she left, she was burned out and cynical. But from the number of former students who came to pay their respects, it was obvious she made a huge difference. It was pretty unique that I was her niece, then her student, then a fellow teacher.

I depended on her so much when I started teaching. She helped me set up my first daily schedule, gave me advice on how to handle parents, and taught me wisdom on dealing with students that are diffult to deal with. I will miss her.

Here's to you Auntie B. You did make a difference. I will miss you, and I will always love you very much.

The Power of Now

I am currently reading the book The Power of Now. It was recommended by Oprah, so I decided to give it a try. A lot of it is pshyco-babble, way above my head, but I swear parts of that book have spoken to me.

The gist of the entire book is "live in the moment" because basically that is all you have and all that matters. Now, common sense tells us that, but how many of us really listen and follow? Not me!

I looked back at a post I wrote June 29, and I was already thinking about school. When I go on a vacation, I can't seem to fully enjoy it for thinking about the vacation ending. I decided to read The Power of Now, hoping it would give me some insight into ways to manage my "worrying." I think it did.

Yesterday I went to school and met the tech person in the hallway. He immediately started rattling off problems (we are good friends) and talking about his frustration. Then, he started talking about the new computer program all teachers must use and how many kinks were still unresolved with it, and I started to panic. The Power of Now mantra entered my brain. STOP! You only have to deal with this moment and nothing else. Just this moment. I shared this with my friend, who now wants to borrow my book.

Does it prevent me from worrying every time? No. Does it always make me feel better? No. But I think with practice, it could. It makes a lot of sense. Yesterday is done, and I can never bring it back or change what happened. Tomorrow may never come, and if it does, it will have worries of its own, so why think about it today? Instead, focus on this moment.

The Power of Now offers helpful advice. It has shown promise during these summer months. The true test will come when school starts.

I Believe in the Prozac Nation

As I have read through the blogs of other teachers, the word "depression" has appeared in several. That is a word I am familiar with, as I have battled it for over 20 years. The two major bouts I have experienced were both triggered by school/work related matters. I take anti depressants and have been told I will have to do so for as long as I teach.

Knowing my circumstances, there have been several teachers in my building who have confided in me that they must take medication, too. I've heard of Lexapro, Effexor, Celexa, Wellbutrin, and Paxil being taken by numerous staff members. You have to ask yourself, "What does this say about our profession?"

I had a friend who warned me that teaching was a stressful job. I was in college at the time, however, wide eyed with the belief I could change the world and how could teaching possibly be stressful? Turns out that woman was wiser than I could have ever imagined.

Thank goodness for friends and family who understand. I am lucky to work with other teachers who are supportive and willing to listen. I am lucky that I have insurance to pay for the medication that helps me to keep a job and maintain quality of life. And, I am grateful that through the years I have gained knowledge on dealing with this condition and how to live with it.

To all those teachers who are on the edge of the abyss or have risen from it, I understand. Stay strong!

I Got THE LIST

I got the list of my new students for the 08-09 school year this week. For some reason I always get a knot in my stomach when I see that envelope with the school name in the corner when I pull it from the mailbox. Will I get "the bad ones"? Will I get all the special need kids? Will I get the one whose mother hovers around every day making sure her "baby" is being treated right? Will I get the children of a teacher in my building? Will I get the children of the principal, superintendent or other central office administrator, or a board member's child?

After jumping to all the possible worst conclusions, I convince myself there is only one way to find out--just like a sticky band aid, rip it as fast as possible to get it over with.

I do so and take a look, quickly scanning for any of the aforementioned students.

Maybe I should have left it sealed.

There it is in black and white. The names of four boys who are known as problem children, the child of an administrator, and the children of several fellow teachers. Ooooohhhhh my! I spend the next few days convincing myself it won't be that bad and that I can handle anything and that if I survived last year I can do anything. It won't be so bad! I can do this! I've been doing it for over 20 years after all, and not one class has managed to do me in yet. (Although a few have come VERY close.) I feel better. The knot has come untied.

Until.....I see the school secretary when going to the school to do some work. She says, "Oh, I saw your list. You got all the rough ones." I console myself by repeating silently, "What does she know? She can't possibly know all these kids." Again, my mantra is "I can do this, I can do this." As I walk down the hall, I start to feel a little better when I see Mrs. X from across the hall.

"Hi," she says, all smiles. "I notice you got my delightful John Doe in your room this year. He about killed me last year. I felt the need for alcohol every night and I don't even drink. Good luck." Oh no, here comes that knot again. I kindly thank her for her insight while thinking, "Oh, she's a rookie. No wonder she had trouble with him. She didn't have the experience I do in dealing with these kids." I repeat my mantra silently and walk into my room. I can do this, I can do this.

Soon there is a knock at the door. It is the PE teacher who has had every kid in the building. "You had better ask for a year's leave of absence. If you think you had it bad last year, just wait. This year's list looks even worse. You are in for it, girl." Again, that annoying knot. Again, I thank him for his insight, which he continues to enlighten me with for about 10 minutes before finally leaving.

My mantra continues. I can do this. I CAN do this. I CAN DO this. I CAN DO THIS.

Maybe if I say it enough times I'll get the knot untied again. Say some prayers. Yes, I know I can do it, but a little help from upstairs sure wouldn't hurt.

Here's Hoping There's No Reading "Second"

I teach at a Reading First school. This is a multi million dollar grant funded through the NCLB act. I consider GRANT a dirty word. Although RF and NCLB are wonderful in theory, they are totally out of touch with reality. I believe every child can learn, but not all children can learn the same things or amount of information. Every child will learn, but some will never go as far as others. Sad, but true, despite our best efforts.

Reading First mandates (non-negotiables in RF language)have sent me home crying many a night after staying at school until 5 PM trying to meet the goal of completing yet another set of paperwork that has been set before me. How many ways and on how many reports can you write the same thing? As with most federal mandates, there is always "add more" but never "take away." RF is very fluid, meaning what goes today may not go tomorrow. Or worse, what we put in place last year may not fly this year. Who knows? Constantly starting over is about the only permanent thing with RF. As soon as I feel comfortable with one thing, here comes something totally brand new, yet according to RF officials, better.

Legislators should stick to what they know best--politics. Leave the teaching to teachers. Or at the very least, ask the experts (i.e. educators) what is best before passing sweeping legislation that turns our lives, both in the classroom and personally, upside down.

Shame on you, Laura Bush, a former teacher/librarian, for singing the praises of NCLB and RF when you should know what it would entail for dedicated teachers. And shame on me for voting for your husband, who pushed NCLB. That's a vote I will regret for the rest of my career!

What Will Stick to Cement Walls?

I spent today finishing up my room decorating. What will stick to cinder block walls? I've tried hot glue, sticky tak, glue dots, and every new invention that comes on the market that says "this WILL work," but so far nothing has.

Summer is evaporating before my very eyes. I always hate the Fourth of July--it has always sort of signaled the death of summer in my eyes for some reason. I'm not sure why--just the way my mind works I guess. I can't enjoy the present for worrying about the future. Maybe worrying is not the right word--getting everything done on time is my concern. I will, though, I always do. Someone told me once, "If you had a week, you'd take the whole week. If you only had a day, you would get it done in the day." I think they are probably right. I remember painting my own classroom walls one summer because the maintenance people were so far behind I wouldn't be able to decorate until after school started, and that just wouldn't do. I should have submitted a bill for painting labor to the board office, but it wouldn't have done any good.

Someone I trust compared the classrooms of students in my grade level today. She seems to think I have the most discipline problems. Just when I thought last year's bunch was the worst I could ever possibly have to endure, it turns out I could be wrong. I guess only time will tell. That's another thing about being a veteran teacher. Sometimes I think you get stuck with more of the "challenging" kids because the administration thinks you can handle it. Maybe so, but I would still like to see the "wealth" spread around more equally. I had better get my bluff in on this bunch early!! I do have some good kids, but it seems the "rounders" have ended up with me again, too. It is what it is, so I'll deal with it.