I Don't Think It's Stalking

I am having a hard time letting go of the man of my dreams found through the online dating service. I tried hard to just let it be, and I reread passages from The Power of Now until I think I could quote them from heart. But, I just can't seem to cut the questions loose.

So, I decided to send an email to his personal email account, which I still have. (Hanging onto it for sentimental reasons) The strange thing was my computer would NOT let me send it. And I tried more than once in more than one way. Still, it would not leave my outbox.

Think the universe might be trying to tell me something? Yeah, me too, but I didn't listen. I sent an email through the online dating service. I basically just told him I was wondering about things and how his "issues" were going. I even ended it with "just wondering" and told him to take care.

I haven't heard anything from him, nor will I...ever. But I had to give it one last try, if that's what you would call it. I've done it, and I can do no more. It officially is what it it. (See The Power of Now for further information.)

Anyway, when I still wasn't ready to let go and accept what just simply is, I decided to do an internet search on him. I don't think you could call it stalking. Found the normal things--address, phone number, relatives, employment. Found him on Facebook, but it didn't tell me much. Then I tried My Space...JACKPOT!

It explained sooooooo much about things he said in person, on the phone, and via emails. I don't think he is a bad person. I just think he is a very unhappy person with a lot of responsibilities that he resents. I don't have a psychology degree, but I would bet my diagnosis is right. I would also say he is depressed. On that subject, I definitely know whereof I speak. He doesn't like small towns, he doesn't like his job, etc.

He had posted several pictures. One was of him when he was around 8. All I can say is we could of had adorable babies if I wasn't past menopause. He also had a picture posted from when he was in college. I think he is attractive now, but 20 years ago, he would have made me pant with lust.

Better to end it sooner than later. He did me a favor. If he's not happy, I don't want him. Thanks for all the cliches, folks. You can keep 'em coming. But they aren't helping. My head understands...my heart is having a little trouble.

The thing is in reading all those blog posts he had written, they sounded like I could have written them. Could I have made him happy? Could he have made me happy? Was it simply because of the timing? I looked at that My Space page a lot. I looked at those pictures a lot. I thought about him a lot. All I could think was "Why?" So many unanswered questions.

I am a good person. I am not beautiful, but I am not a beast, either. I am not skinny, and I need to shed some pounds. But there are many happily "coupled" people who are much larger than me. I am fun to be around. I have a great personality. I am gainfully employed. Why is it so hard to make connections I am so ready to make?

I am so glad I'm past all that and ready to move on.

If I say it enough, I will finally believe it. And Man Of My Dreams, if you happen to be reading this...I really do wish you well. I hope you find your bliss and what you are looking for. You deserve to be happy, so do what it takes to get there.

I wonder if you will ever think of me. You can bet you will cross my mind from time to time while I am picturing you living the life you want and looking so happy doing it.

Thanks for the memories...